Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Untamed and Limitless – My Place in the Wild

Today when I awoke, I noticed the difference. The sense of persecution was a lingering mist rather than a deep rushing river pounding relentlessly into my being. I gazed at the tall pines outside my window (like I always do) and then focused on the abundance of dark pink roses that are in full bloom. At least three different species of butterflies adorned the blossoms with their wings opening and closing gently, offering an array of color to an already brilliant show.

I am grateful for that. I said softly as I continued watching.

I decided that instead of immersing myself in nature that I would knowingly become nature and resume my place. What I mean is that I have always escaped into the wild, which is where my worries melt away and I find peace. Then I return to the ‘other’ world, which drives me back to nature. It was my cycle. Participate in the ‘other’ world that is false and not aligned with my soul and higher purpose, and then flee into the woods for restoration. This pattern in itself was an obstacle in the flow of my innate rhythm and creativity. I became disheartened, directionless and separate.

It was necessary to stop viewing my actions in terms of ‘going out in nature’, ‘leaving nature’, ‘loving nature’ and all of the ways that ‘nature’ fits into my life. I am nature. We all are. We are one.

I understand that it will take time to progress into this new, old (original) way of being and that the utmost responsibility that I have to myself is to trust that it is okay and it will work.

During my transition from the music world into the vast world of the unknown, I bought into the idea that I needed to abandon my authentic self and get a job, any job, even if it meant self betrayal and auric devastation. I no longer believed that I could rely on my vast creativity for abundance. I accepted that all was lost and I surrendered to what was not in alignment with my vision and the greater good.

My energy was funneled into this wretched misunderstanding based on a lack of faith. It is the cause of the initial separation of self from self, and self from nature. Once I made the split, it became a sharp duality.

I relied on my time in the wild to compensate for the time that I spent participating in a world that was indeed a vexation to my soul. I was dependent on the corporate world for economic survival…a world that required a huge investment of energy to support, making it vital to retreat into nature for healing and restoration.

This way of life was transparent. I became helpless and resigned myself to this self-created obligation. I was indebted to an illusion. The pendulum swung wildly from pain, depression and despair to relief, joy and peace; from anger, resentment and enslavement to wonder, appreciation and freedom.

I knew that I possessed the key to my own jail and that everything I need is within me (Gnosis). When I became paralyzed and numb, I fled into the wild, bathing in the essence of the natural world with the knowledge of my return to the 'other' hanging over me like an ominous cloud. My longing defined me. I relied on the process of peeling away the outer layers of discontent just enough to survive and sustain and repeat.

I became a master at looking the other way…meditating for peace and the ability to accept others and our differences. I practiced unconditional love to the point where I loved all and not myself. This became increasingly more difficult as it seemed to give a message of the allowance of unacceptable behavior. The longer I remained silent, the more challenging the other world became. My once clear boundaries were blurred to the point of non-existence.

At night I dreamed of finding a way out or rather a way back into my original self with my intentions intact. I asked for guidance, protection, love and compassion. I viewed the other world in terms of God and one, seeking clarity.

When the truth would no longer hide in the shadows, it was finally revealed whether I was ready or not. The moment that I was released from the chains that I had forged with tools derived from my own fear and ignorance, I bowed in gratitude to those who I once thought were my jailors.

Now is the time for healing, the time for returning fearlessly to nature with my original intent and purity. After seven years of this dance without song or music; I am home…untamed and limitless. I have resumed my place in the wild, which had never abandoned me, but that I had abandoned instead. Hallelujah!

Journal : Scarlett Lily

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